So at the beginning of my day yesterday I was all “I’m going to start blogging. I won’t tell anybody, so no one will read it and that’s cool.” Mid-morning I had started the blog and told Rachel (the friend who’s been helping me out) with no intention of letting anybody else know. By the afternoon I had told my husband. The ability to keep a secret is obviously not my forte- especially when it’s about me. I wrote my second post yesterday afternoon and told Rachel I had linked to her business site. Rachel then posted a link to the reference on Twitter and Facebook. This is where it gets a little crazy.
I got home last night and, just for kicks, decided to check my blog stats. It was then that I discovered that blog stats are not just innocent numbers on a page. They are Internet crack. Since Rachel had linked to my blog it already had over 30 views.. and the number kept growing. I couldn’t stop checking my stats.. it was so exciting. Here I was thinking that no one would read it and look, over 40 people have.. oh, now it’s over 50… and that’s when my inner dialogue went from “oooohh look at the pretty numbers, all of these people are reading my blog” to ” HOLY SHIT PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY READING IT. What the hell did I write? I probably sound like a moron.. SHIT SHIT SHIT…”
I then did something I should NEVER EVER do.. I reread what I wrote… and decided that I sound far more unsettled than I actually am. Just to calm the crazy voice in my head I need to clarify a couple of things.
1. I adore my babies and my husband and wouldn’t change the choices I’ve made for anything because they’ve resulted in my being able to have this incredible family. The catalyst for this whole thing was actually my desire to find a career that will allow me to spend more time with them.
2. This quest for change is about making sure that I never end up being one of those women (you know the ones I’m talking about) who resents my husband and children because I never bothered to find out what my passion is. I want to be the best person I can be and, for me, that means having something outside of my family life that I love and am excited to do. I don’t want to be stuck in a career that doesn’t fit quite right just getting through the days. I want to go to sleep at night knowing I am doing the best I can to live my life to the fullest and to teach my kids not to be afraid to do the same.
I know these points were probably perfectly clear in my first posts, but I needed to write it again just to ease my mind. I tend to get a little obsessive ( in case you couldn’t tell).
So, that was my night. Riding the thrilling high of having actual real live people read my blog then falling into the depths of fear and panic because actual real live people were reading my blog. As of this morning the numbers are down to 2 or 3 views (far more normal I’m sure for a fresh faced little blog like mine). The panic has subsided and I think I’ve succeeded in writing this without worrying about what someone might think.
Just as a side note- I stayed up way later than any mother of a 3 month old should freaking out and wildly texting Rachel and my husband.. This resulted in my looking down this morning and realizing that I was still wearing my bra…IN THE SHOWER. Who needs alcohol when you’ve got sleep deprivation?